As the village slept, dark deeds were planned by bandits. Good intentions, ruthless methods involving fire, silent footsteps, sharp knives. Death ensued. Dawn approached, but the wily varl slashed away the mighty chief of the haughty and obscene--but distinguished--Red Carpet Dapper clan, laughing as he jumped headlong into mighty dreams about liquorice, which he bathed into for Zardoz.
The villagers, profoundly upset by the defenestration of already blind wooden-legged Petey Pirrrate who thennnn grew wings and promptly escaped prison but discovered that he was the son of Red Beard's second cousin, and thus it all came tumbling down, straight into the well's dirty water. Sadly not the good kind, but the pestilent kind: fetid liquid teeming with sickly rodents, oryx skulls and numerous bloated toads.
Petey then loudly growled and said, "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr m'hearties, it hurtssss." He felt melancholy over and again.
The gods responded promptly to Petey's dark soul,"Your hatred must tame the violent north winds, icy plains full of green goats will not save you. The gale will crush the village, until finally the winds subside. Fear the consequences unless you act wisely."
Petey replied, boisterously and with great eloquence, "Me ain't gunna do nuthin' 'bout that , so yous' Hatin be pointless, yo."
Belly-dancing beauties descended from the stormy creche of interstellar infants. Big Afro Joseph sighed, "Aw man! Da hell with this!" as he spouted those grey trolls. Suddenly there was a heavy rain falling from the ground up. "WHAT! RAIN? WHY?" he opined, his eyes aimed at the sky. "Have the ancestors forsaken us? Why do they let the wrath of Petey Pirrrate punish me?" Joseph fell over and landed on the wet grass. His head was hammering. "Who would do such a maleficent deed?"
Only the wind answered: "In your mind, kiddo. In your mind." Unfortunately, Joseph wasn't ready to believe whispers by treacherous air spirits.
Meanwhile, Vándr only laughed as she threw the last of the puny villagers off a cliff, knowing that humans could bring the earth to it's knees if they kept eating the many winged lemmings. She was rather pleased, knowing that it was the final fight against the gaurdian that would forever set Vándr's course toward the death of all mortals. "Petey will show the foolish humans that he truly is above humanity's poor souls," she said, looking down on the old little lady's remains, "I, Vándr, will have the last laugh. Truly, the gods don't know how to handle such incredible power."
Suddenly, a surge of enormous power came from the lower level of Manheimr's core, destroying the veil between toon world and the realm of the sketchy and capricious Bjorn the bear herder. Bjorn was very surprised to see that the bears were as red as the blood of humans. He sought eagerly to get his new axe sharpened, though he knew not which way to go. He looked around for a sign. Where could the ancient city of the dredge be hidden? "It must lie beneath one of the millenium old pillars of the varl, covered by little ponies' houses and their many furry friends," said Bjorn, "I will have to unlock the ships and murder all of my peoples' enemies. Only then will I find peace."
The dredge were hiding, waiting for the sign from their forsaken lord. But as they waited, the earth started trembling, and they wailed to mighty Vándr, "Save us and we shall forever keep your name within our sacred lands, to honor you and forever obey your mighty laws."
Vándr answered from the height of the cliff looking down on the dredge, "If you only had the power to resist the temptation offered by the pirate lord! Petey is one slimy heck of a man! Don't you disrespect the respectful radiant charm he spills out upon every living soul? I am astonished by your lack of faith! Do as your ancestors would have so bravely done: cower in your filthy hovels and worship the real heir to the obsidian tower of fossil mammoths; only then shall I allow you the power to resist the mighty powers of--"
But suddenly the sky turned crimson, and the earth turned a dark shade of fresh blood. "What is the meaning of this?!" And as she spoke, a bright darkness engulfed the ruins of the elder Àlf city of dark stones.
Out of the mist came a lone warrior, bleeding, shaking, and staggering. He cried, louder than the loudest raven could hear from the highest peaks of icy Jotunheim, "Why, hello! Would anyone care to please explain what I have just endured for? I have these fabulous holes in places that a Hobbit would find quite cumbersome."
Realizing that what he said was pure genius, that all of his rantings were the foundations of the New Order of the Champions of Freedom and Bodacious Drinkers, the warrior proudly resumed: "I will gather the villagers and offer them free ale and peanuts for as little as