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  Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.   Thread: Fan Fiction: A Varl's Tale by Slimsy Platypus

  1. #1
    Backer Slimsy Platypus's Avatar
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    Fan Fiction: A Varl's Tale by Slimsy Platypus

    This tale begins with a bellowing Varl drinking late into the night in one of Strand’s pubs

    “I’ll tell you what boys, my time at the proving grounds was rough. You come out of that place with some true brothers. Nothing says I love you like a hearty smack to the jaw from a fellow Varl! I took some wallops… and I gave some, but when battle finally rings its bells you become thankful for every smack (well, other than Gulfi’s infamous blow to my yonkers you dog!).

    Long story short, my warband had gathered at the great hall to celebrate my recent inception into the gang, when the greenest of the green, Hrolf, slammed down his mug of mead, glared at me, and bellowed ‘Bersi if I didn’t know any better, those twigs atop your head have gone limp and retired to arse scratchers!’.

    This of course didn’t infuriate me at all. In fact, I calmly lifted up the table, gently tossed it to the side, and responded ‘Hrolf!, If your pine nuts are half the size of your mouth you’d kindly scurry over here so I could remove them!’. Our warband’s factions have a little history of ummm… warring, so Hrolf kindly accepted the invitation. I took a final gulp of mead, then looked up to see a group of Hrolf’s chaps foaming at the mouth behind him, ready for a scrap. Lucky for me, my brothers and sisters had done the same (well… behind me though… and not literally foaming at the mouth).

    We tip toed towards each other for what felt like minutes. I saw an opportunity; Hrolf’s axe wielding buddy had lowered his shield while reaching for a scratch. I ran across the room and heaved my sword straight at his head. Prior to the strike the little devil thrashed about causing my sword to maim his arm. He quickly retaliated by coming at me with a flurry of axe strikes and a bash from his shield.
    Then

    SWOOOOSHHH!… tiny Runa had whipped an arrow right past my ear striking Hrolf square in the shoulder!

    ‘A LITTLE CLOSE RUNA!’ I bellowed, then this pesky little toothpick wielding man ran under my legs and sliced a blade across the back of my calf! After letting out an ol’ argghhhhh, Thorfast came up and whacked that man so hard in the head with his shield that he tumbled atop his own bow wielding companion!

    Enraged, Hrolf walked up to one of my smaller brother s, Ulfar, and yelled ‘I KNOW YOU! I had a go with your sheep last night, what an improvement from your woman! ‘. This was followed up with a smug grin and a beat of Hrolf’s mace against his chest. This put quite the fire in little Ulfar (and rightfully so!). He sprinted up to Hrolf and lunged his axe at him, only to be met with the blunt side of a shield.

    At that point I had grown tired of beating around the bush. I galloped over to the center of the chaos, barked ‘ENOUGH!’, then with a circular swing my sword I caused a tempest of destruction! Hrolf, three of his men, and poor little Ulfar all fell to the floor (sorry Ulfar). I stood erect, chest out… as champion of the great hall.”

    A loud applause erupted from the pub.

    Patrons raised their mugs and shouted “FOR BERSI!”

    “A grand tale indeed ” another yelled.

    As the clamor died down a faint and feminine chuckle could be heard. “That’s not quite how I remember it” Runa snickered.

    Ulfar added, “Bersi ran up to Hrolf, got his chest plate dented with an arrow, then took a wallop to the chest which brought him to the ground... Bersi rested in the fetal position while we duked it out”.

    “I think I heard him whimpering” Runa added.
    Last edited by Slimsy Platypus; 12-05-2012 at 05:35 PM.

  2. #2
    Backer Slimsy Platypus's Avatar
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    The second malice threat can be credited to Piotras’ comment in the “Provoker’s Malice: Yo Mama’s so Viking” thread in Beta Discussions. Also, excuse any punctuation error, I’m not in any way a classically trained writer. Additionally, I do realize that Bersi’s slang makes him an Australian pirate from Great Britain, and yes… Runa is hot. Lastly, as I’m sure you all noticed, every event was inspired by tidbits found in The Banner Saga Factions beta.

    I’m 100% new to fan fiction so I hope you guys like it! This was inspired completely by my love for this game (I spent most of my day at work writing this at my desk). People must have thought I was super productive today seeing me working so hard on something.

  3. #3
    Developer raven2134's Avatar
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    HA! That was a great piece of work on The Banner Saga Factions Beta. I thoroughly enjoyed it! It was very humorous and I had a grin on my face reading it the whole way. I love the added wit in the dialogue and the way all the characters were fit nice and snugly from the beta into the story. Nice job man!

  4. #4
    Superbacker piotras's Avatar
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    Sweet! Very nice read, hope you'll get inspired to write some more with the addition of new clases!

    After you get rich and famous remember about my royalties for the malice quote

  5.   This is the last staff post in this thread.   #5
    Art Director Arnie's Avatar
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    Hah! Great stuff Slimsy!

  6. #6
    Backer Rymdkejsaren's Avatar
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    Nice one. I need to procrastinate less with my writing as well!
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